There’s a moral crisis sweeping the country today.

There was a time when the popular tennis racquet industry was the gateway to a wholesome activity that the whole family could enjoy. Apparently, though, that time has passed. The release of the Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet has created a new, and dare we say it, dangerous, moral climate that threatens our children.

Features like the illicitly named “Speedport Shaft™” lead our sons and daughters to begin wondering about questions that a decent lifestyle should never need to address, while the “rock solid Air Bridge™ yoke” sets an impossible standard of control that few, if any, can ever expect to reach, in their games or relationships. With these ideals implanted early in the minds of our children, is it any wonder that crime and violence are speeding out of control? How many people have to die in tennis related incidents before the government steps in and does something?

It doesn’t end with those two terrible examples, though. The “DuraSoft+ grip”, the “TPR throat insert”, the “70% larger sweet spot”. This Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet is a veritable casserole of vice and sin. Why, the Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet is even directly marketed to players with “shorter, slower strokes”.

In today’s society, parents are forced to accept that the more popular sports, such as Football and Basketball and Major League Soccer, are no longer a good source of childhood heroes. But shame on you, Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet, for turning the once pristine game of Tennis into a pool of innuendo and carnality. Couldn’t you at least have used parental advisory stickers?

Warranty: 1 Year Prince