There’s a moral crisis sweeping the country today.

There was a time when the popular tennis racquet industry was the gateway to a wholesome activity that the whole family could enjoy. Apparently, though, that time has passed. The release of the Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet has created a new, and dare we say it, dangerous, moral climate that threatens our children.

Features like the illicitly named “Speedport Shaft™” lead our sons and daughters to begin wondering about questions that a decent lifestyle should never need to address, while the “rock solid Air Bridge™ yoke” sets an impossible standard of control that few, if any, can ever expect to reach, in their games or relationships. With these ideals implanted early in the minds of our children, is it any wonder that crime and violence are speeding out of control? How many people have to die in tennis related incidents before the government steps in and does something?

It doesn’t end with those two terrible examples, though. The “DuraSoft+ grip”, the “TPR throat insert”, the “70% larger sweet spot”. This Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet is a veritable casserole of vice and sin. Why, the Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet is even directly marketed to players with “shorter, slower strokes”.

In today’s society, parents are forced to accept that the more popular sports, such as Football and Basketball and Major League Soccer, are no longer a good source of childhood heroes. But shame on you, Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet, for turning the once pristine game of Tennis into a pool of innuendo and carnality. Couldn’t you at least have used parental advisory stickers?

Warranty: 1 Year Prince

Security guards may not enter! This food court is liberated territory! ¡No pasaran! ¡No pasaran!

We, the patrons of the Glenwood Lakes Galleria, have occupied this food court out of solidarity with our oppressed brothyrs and systyrs at New York University. Just as the great struggles of the 19th century were waged in factories, so is the food court the crucible of 21st-century revolution. From the Sbarro to the Cold Stone Creamery, let freedom ring!

And here in my backpack, next to my anti-corporate water and my MacBook, lies the weapon of the people: the Skil Power Wrench. Liberated from power cables, it stands ready to dismantle anything from the KKKapitali$t system to your license plate frame. Instead of a wasteful excess of wrenches, ratchets, and screwdrivers strangling the life from Sister Earth, this compact, close-quarter device treads lightly upon the planet. The Skil Power Wrench puts Lithium-Ion power in the hands of the people. And does it comfortably.

In that spirit, we gather in this liberated space to use democratic process to arrive at a consensus about ways in which we’re going to use democratic process to liberate this space. Consensually, of course. I don’t know if you scumbag guards understand that, in your fascist green blazers, but we shall not be moved!

Hey! Excuse me! You may not come in here! You are on video! You are on video! Any attempt to move those recycling bins by force will be considered police brutality! Hey, gimme back that Skil Power Wrench! That belongs to the masses! Hey! Ow! Brutality! Brutality! Don’t wrench me, bro! The masses are calling Dad’s lawyer!

Warranty: 1 Year Skil

Features:

• Compact design makes wrench easy to handle, fitting in tight spaces a drill can’t
• Forward and reverse operations allow for assembling or disassembling projects
• Lithium ion battery holds a charge for up to 18 months of non-use so it’s always ready to go
• SKIL Smartcharge System is built in to the charger, providing overcurrent protection and allowing the tool to be stored on the charger indefinitely without damage to the battery
• All Metal Gear Train provides a durable, long-life construction
• Ergonomic soft-grip handle for increased comfort and control
• Durable metal front end for extended tool life
• Charger design provides added flexibility, either sitting on any flat work area, or mounted out of the way on the wall
• Close quarter 1/4” square drive accepts standard sockets and driver bits
• Torque outputs of 75 in.-lbs. (in Auto Mode) and 400 in.-lbs. (in Manual Mode)

Specifications:

• Voltage: 7.2V
• Battery: Lithium-Ion
• Charger: Cradle Charger
• Socket Size: 1/4”
• Torque in Auto Mode: 75 in.-lbs.
• Torque in Manual Mode: 400 in.-lbs.
• RPM: 200
• Weight: 1.8 lbs.

In the box:

• Skil 2372-01 7.2V Cordless Wrench
• 17-Piece Accessory Bit Set
• Smartcharge System 3-Hour Cradle Charger

PsycheLEDic

You’re sitting in a darkened room when you notice a strange shift in your perceptions.

Your surroundings seem to take on a blue-white glow. Details and textures suddenly stand out in stark relief. The whole world looks brighter somehow, more intense.

You’re under the influence of LED.

Yes, as terrifying as it sounds, someone has apparently slipped you the Garrity KN300G 8 LED Touch ‘N Lite. These wall-mountable LEDs are extremely easy to operate, making everyone vulnerable to their strong doses of convenient lighting anywhere from the office to the closet to the chill-out room. Sometimes they’re at 100% brightness, sometimes only 50%. But even a small amount can heighten the perceptions of the uninitiated.

Don’t panic. Whatever you do, don’t panic. Remember that you’re safe and healthy and loved. Remind yourself that the effects are only temporary, and that the included AA batteries will run out after approximately 45 hours. Then try to make yourself as comfortable as possible and wait for the effects to recede. Put on some relaxing music. Call a friend you trust and talk to them. If you can, sleep.

Or you could turn the Garrity KN300G 8 LED Touch ‘N Lite off. It’s easy. You just touch it.

Warranty: Life Time Garrity (Except for Batteries and Bulbs)

Features:

• Wall mountable LED light, with 8 LED bulbs
• Great for your office, closet, garage, or tent. Wherever you need long lasting, hands-free lighting.
• The LED's (light-emitting diodes) never need replacement.
• Two light settings, press for 100% of light, press again for 50%, and press a third time to turn the light off
• Normal and Flash modes, normal provides consistent light, flash mode provides light for as long as you hold down the power button
• Operates on 3 "AA" Duracell batteries (included) and last 10 times longer than a standard incandescent bulb
• Provides up to 45 hours of burn time on a set of batteries
• Light includes adhesive backed hook and loop for hanging on the wall - simply push the On/Off button on the front of the light
• If you prefer, use the light on your desktop or nightstand, and operate by pushing down on the light.
• Dimensions: 5.5”H x 4”L x 2”W

In the box:

• 2 Garrity KN300G 8 LED Touch ‘N Lites
• 2 Wall Mounting Bases
• 6 "AA" Duracell Batteries
• 4 Mounting Screws
• 2 Adhesive Backs

Those of you old enough to remember the early days of portable phones probably have plenty of memories.

And the memories that don’t involve watching Voltron after school probably include getting that phone call from a friend or relative that started with “Hey! You won’t believe where I’m calling you from!”

The Philips BTM630/37 Docking Entertainment System opens up this feeling for a whole new generation. With the built-in microphone and Bluetooth compatibility, it’s finally possible to make phone calls through a stereo. Welcome to the future, everybody!

When you’re not doing that, you’ll be able to enjoy all types of music, from iPods to AM/FM radio. If you’ve got the old style iPod or iPhone, you can charge it up while you listen. If you don’t, you can use the 3.5mm jack, There’s also a USB port, an SD/MMC card slot, and a CD player that can even rip CDs. No need to boot the computer just to get that one track!

Really, though, there’s only one solid reason to buy the Philips BTM630/37 Docking Entertainment System. The two seconds of amazement that will come from saying “No, man, I’ll calling you through my stereo system!” That’s even better than that time they killed Sven. You were born to die, brother.

Warranty: 1 Year Philips

You call it an abomination. I call it a miracle of science!

Not being geniuses, most people look at the Omnitech 16878-US and see a solid GPS device with an ample 4.3” LCD TFT touchscreen, text-to-speech directions in three languages, and a 1GB SD card preloaded with Navteq maps of the lower 48. Imprisoned in the straitjacket of conventional thinking, their vision extends no further than its QuickNav button, which calculates directions back home from wherever you are, with just one touch. They see its 1.5 million points of interest, but overlook many more interesting possibilities. And on a day like today, they swoon for the ridiculously low price. Such is the mediocre mind, that can see only what is in front of its face – and even then its sight is befogged.

But I, on the other hand, being endowed with gifts of the intellect unknown to all but the longest-running Tic Tac Dough champions, I see more. I see a device whose WinCE operating system makes it a blank canvas upon which I will hack my masterpiece! I have devoted my life to a detailed study of how to mod this device, as explained on secret hidden arcane message boards (registration required). Adding new maps? Points of interest? Preferred software from other GPS devices? Mere child’s play. Changing the text-to-speech voice, or making it say “Turn left at next corner, oh peerless scientific giant of your time”? A mere lark. Transforming it into an MP3 or video player? Well, you might have to add a couple of other Windows files, or whatever – but nothing a genius like me can’t handle!

You say it is a crime against technology for me to twist this Omnitech 16878-US into something different, something better, something its makers never intended? I say it is you who are criminally negligent for ignoring this magnificent device’s full potential! Such might, such elegance is wasted simply telling you how to get to your hotel off the highway outside of Akron! I will mod and hack the Omnitech 16878-US, and any who stand in my way will need directions only to the cemetery!

Warranty: 1 Year Omnitech

The last time we wrote about the Breville XXESP8XL Cafe Roma Espresso Maker we noticed a very special visitor. And so, we just wanted to take this moment to say thank you, Mr. Meltzer, for stopping in for a visit.

If you were nearby, we’d make you a cup of espresso from the Breville XXESP8XL Cafe Roma Espresso Maker. And we think you’d enjoy how the Thermoblock heating system made a decent cup of coffee that a comic book professional could enjoy. Of course, you’d probably storm out in anger after we spent the next three hours trying really hard to prove to you how Jean Loring was actually the one who left The Atom, but we’d understand that. We get hate mail from nerds as well. It’s just part of the territory. And when they reboot it away in five years we’ll all look back and laugh.

Anyway, it was nice to see you clearly enjoyed the mention, and we hope you’ll enjoy it this time as well. And we know that you probably spend all day counting the millions of dollars you got from the I Hate The Elongated Man Foundation and would never dream of buying a thing from a fly-by-night site like us. But if you’re thinking about espresso, Mr. Meltzer, please, consider the Breville XXESP8XL Cafe Roma Espresso Maker. We’re sure you’d like to stay awake as much as possible. After what you did, the dreams must be horrible.

Warranty: 90 Day Breville

The Summer of Zero-Nine

Got my first real six-string, got it really cheap from Woot

With a strap and a digital tuner
To stay digitally in tune

Me and some guys from school
Are gonna start a band sometime
With Jimmy’s keyboard and Jody’s set of bongos
Gonna rock the summer of Zero-Nine

Oh, when I look ahead
All I see is superstardom
They make fun of us now
But someday we’ll really show ‘em
Those’ll be the best days of my life

Ain’t no use in even tryin’
To get a gig at the grown-up clubs
But there’s a talent show comin’
They gotta let us play ‘cause we signed up

Standin’ on our school stage
Rockin’ my Peavey Rockmaster
Hey, Jimmy, don’t play so fast
Hey, Jody, play a little faster
Those’ll be the best days of my life

Here comes the summer of Zero-Nine, oh yeah

Man we’re just killing time
We’re young and tuneless
We need more practice time
We’ll get good if it takes forever, forever, yeah

And even when we’re huge rock stars
We won’t trash hotels or take drugs
And we’ll still have time for
All the girls who were mean to us

We’ll be magnanimous
Everybody at our school will say
“They’re still so down-to-Earth”
We won’t get stuck up, no way
Those’ll be the best days of my life

Can’t wait for the summer of Zero-Nine, oh yeah

Warranty: 1 Year Peavey

The ol’ lady and I were really buttin’ heads there for a while. “You don’t appreciate me!” she’d yowl. “You aren’t sensitive to my needs!”

So what do I do? I get some of those books, you know, like to learn about dames and how come they make a fella crazy alla time. You gotta know some psychology, it turns out, see? I got that one about how men are from Mars and girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider or whatever. I also got this one book, “Iron John,” which I was hopin’ would be about a hooker and her robot client, but it wasn’t.

Anyway, I’m doin’ my best, readin’ up, tryinna figure out how come it is the old battleaxe and me can’t see eye-to-eye—and she starts in with this noise about my reading light keepin’ her up too late.

Well! A guy can’t win for losin’!

What I oughta do, is I oughta get my things together and move out. But no, me and the ol’ lady have been through a lot, and I figger that history is worth somethin’. So to keep the domestic peace, I snag myself three of these bookmark lights off the innernet. Lemme tell ya! Best coupla bucks I ever spent.

Supposedly the LED bulbs last for 10,000 hours. Now that’s a lotta readin’—even the way I do it, which is I read for 20 minutes, then konk out with the light still on and it burns the whole eleven hours until I wake up. Still, I guesstimate that I’ll have the whole battle of the sexes thing all figgered out way before my last readin’ light dies. And this is cute: The light is a bookmark too, so I can see where I was in the book when I dozed off.

I gotta say, already things is better around the house. Useda be, the littlest thing would get us to fightin’ like cats an’ dogs. Now, I feel like I’m gettin’ more insights, y’know? And it’s all on accounta my new readin’ lights.

Now, when I feel like I’m gonna lose my temper—like if she nags me about gettin’ a job, or helpin’ out around the house, or wants to know if I’m talkin’ to some girl on the phone—instead of haulin’ off an’ screamin’, I just take a deep breath and say “I love ya mom, but I need a little space right now.” And maybe I go down to the basement and she watches TV and we steer clear of each other for a while.

That’s makin’ progress, you bet!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Super bright LED bulb
• 10,000 hour LED life span
• Environmentally safe
• Use it as a book mark and a book light
• Use it as a bag light - clip it to the inside of a purse or bag and use it to find things in the dark
• Ready to use out of the package, batteries are already installed
• Made from ABS Plastic
• Colors: Silver, blue, black
• Dimensions (approx): 3.0"H x 2.0"L x 0.63"W

In the box:

• 3 Thinktank Technology KC90020 Bookmark Lights

The repairman sighed. This was the part of the job he hated. “Well, I’ve examined your guitar, Mister…Shredd, is it?”

“You know it, dude,” the bandanna-clad rocker replied. “Jonni Shredd, king of the wild fretboard, baddest axe-fiend in the history of the north-central Delaware metal scene. So how’s my Angelyque, Doc?”

“Well, I don’t quite know how to say this. But it’s as bad as we feared. It seems that all of her innards have been – well – ripped out. The pickups, the wiring, the cable jack, all of it gone. And the strings, too, that goes without saying. I’m sorry.”

A tear rolled out from under Jonni’s reflector shades. “Oh, Angelyque…my baby, my sweet guitar…what did those bastards do to you? And why, why?”

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid that’s not all.”

“Not all? What else is there? If they did anything sick to my Angelyque, swear to God I’ll cut off every one of their – ”

“No, nothing like that. But whoever did this to your guitar didn’t stop at destroying her. They added the necessary circuitry and parts to turn her into – into – ” He couldn’t say it. It was too awful. But he knew he must. “Into a Playstation controller.”

The ultimate defilement! Jonni broke. He howled, wailed, bawled. His carefully cultivated rocker’s mask shattered like the guitars he used to smash onstage before he met Angelyque. A few of the customers at the guitar store turned and looked, but most knew what Jonni must be going through. The averted their eyes and thanked the rock gods it wasn’t them.

“Her body is still that of a real guitar,” Doc went on, after a moment of respectful silence. “The same wood body, maple neck, and rosewood finger board. But with 5 fret buttons, 5 solo buttons, a bi-directional strum bar, and wireless capability, the only killer licks she’ll be playing are the ones licensed for use with Guitar Hero or Rock Band. Again, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

As the repairman spoke, Jonni went cold. He knew what he had to do. Normally, he’d never be caught dead playing those fake-ass guitar games like some loser. But this wasn’t a normal situation. He’d spend as much time learning those games as he needed to – years, if that’s what it took. He’d find the scumbags that did this to his Angelyque. And he’d shred them at their own game.

Doc noticed Jonni’s blank expression with concern. “Is there anything I can do? I’ll give you a deal on any guitar in the store.”

Jonni shook his head. “No thanks, Doc. I just have one question. Is there a GameStop or something around here?”

Doc understood. “Next strip mall up the road, next to Ruby Tuesday. And, Mr. Shredd? Jonni?”

“Yeah, Doc?”

“Death to false metal.”

Warranty: 1 Year Ashley International